Does Your Relationship Help or Hinder Your Mental Health?
As humans, we are made for relationships. We long to interact with people, whether as a love interest, friend, or family member. Within those relationships, we may have needs that we want to be met, such as quality time, physical touch, conversation, trust, etc. We receive those needs, but we also should be giving them.
Sometimes, however, one side of the party doesn’t give their end of the bargain. They take but do not give. They are more about fulfilling their own desires, and they will use many manipulative tactics to do so. Suddenly, a relationship may hinder your mental health and goals.
I have seen this throughout my entire life with many relationships that I have been in. I was a product of childhood trauma, born to parents who were addicts who both died when I was 18 years old. I learned very quickly how selfish addiction was and to push my emotions aside to cope. I then married my first husband at 18 years old. The bond was completely toxic from the beginning, but that was what I thought relationships were supposed to be watching my parents who fought every single day but stayed loyal to each other. I survived years of abuse, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and eventually, physically. One day, I finally realized that my relationship was not healthy, and I left with my 3 children after almost 15 years of marriage. It took me a while after getting out of the situation to identify that I allowed my mental health to be on the line for numerous relationships in my life. It wasn’t just my family or ex-husband. I had to survey friendships as well. I slowly started to rid my life of those who hindered my growth or caused me emotional pain. It was one of the best decisions that I ever made in my entire life.
How can we tell if someone is hindering our mental health? For starters, the relationship will feel more like work than pleasure. It’s not always going to be roses and butterflies when you have companionship with another person, but it should be a give-and-take. The hard times should be worth fighting through because there are good times that outweigh them. It’s a much different story when it feels like a relationship takes a lot more sacrifice to maintain than it should. If a person has the ability to drain the life out of you, question your self-worth, make you feel guilty for not adhering to their wants, or control you, it is unhealthy. In fact, giving of yourself in this way takes such a toll on you that you can’t give in the areas that are actually healthy for you such as your life goals, quality relationships, and personal time.
Another way that we can tell if a relationship is hindering your mental health is if it feels like you can’t function in life without the relationship. It’s not a bad thing to say that you need someone. It means you love them, and their presence is important to your life; however, it becomes unhealthy when you feel as though you must have that person to survive. There is a balance that we should possess.
On one side of the pendulum there is codependency, and on the other side is over-independence. Codependency happens when one individual is completely reliant on another to fulfill their emotional needs, and they morph their emotions based on how that other person is feeling. If that person is sad, you are trying to make them happy. If that person is happy, you feel complete. The relationship becomes almost an addiction to the codependent. Over-independence happens when the person shuts out any relationship more than surface level. More than not, people do this because they allowed someone in before, and they were hurt by them. It’s easier in their eyes to build walls than be vulnerable. Both codependency and over-independence are typically trauma responses. The way that we should live is in the middle of the two, and that is called interdependence. Interdependence acknowledges that having a relationship is important, but each party in the relationship is their own person with their own emotions, goals, and desires. If one in the relationship is hurting, the other one comes alongside them to help and may even feel empathy for the person, but it isn’t an unhealthy stronghold on their entire world. We should strive to have interdependent relationships with family, friends, and intimate partners.
So, if we have unhealthy relationships in our lives, or if we want to safeguard our lives from unhealthy relationships, how do we change them? It starts with boundaries. Boundaries are healthy barriers that do not imprison a person like the walls of over-independence do. They let us protect our hearts while allowing those who are good for us in. Walls do not have a door, but boundaries do. You can open them to some and close them to others. A boundary says, “I care for you, but if you choose to do (a behavior), you are choosing to not be close to my heart.” If your boundaries are violated, it’s important to be consistent, and do what you say. Ultimately, you teach people how they can treat you. It’s when you hold to your boundaries that you see who is really there for you and who is not.
Another way that we can work towards healthy relationships in our lives is by having a healthy relationship with ourselves. The more that we love the person that is looking in the mirror, the more apt we are to accept nothing that is going to harm our lives or progress. A person with low self-esteem is a target for people who take advantage of others. They can manipulate, gaslight, and control them because the person can’t see how valuable they truly are. They allow a person to walk all over them because they may feel like they deserve it. When we love ourselves, we know our worth, and we refuse to allow anything that contradicts that.
At the end of the day, relationships should build us up and not tear us down. They should be the accent piece to the beauty that is you. Standing alone, you are treasured, but healthy relationships should add to your value. No matter what a person is to you, make sure they are not a detriment to your mental health
Your peace is priceless.
